Sam Phallusworth's House of Horrors

Sam Phallusworth's House of Horrors


Three men and a horse awoke one night in an uncreative field of absolute nothing, nothing except one mansion in the distance illuminated by the moon. They each made their way to this mansion, that had one very large room made of purely glass, unbreakable glass and stairs that lead to 5 rooms and a basement downstairs and they entered one by one. The first was a retarded girl named Timothy. The second a very charismatic man named Jack. Third a man of unknown foreign origin who cannot speak common named Shouji. And a fancy ass horse named Mr. Hoover. They entered the party and found 5 others. The host Sam Phallusworth, two ladies, Jenny Cockles and Tamy Turd, and the body guard’s Tim McFuckAss and Phil Assbottom. Jack took the two ladies upstairs to the 3rd bed room and had a disgusting fetish filled 3 way. On his way out however he heard a moan and searched the room very thoroughly and discovered a woman chained to the wall who had enjoyed watching the threeway. So he tried to break her down but to no avail so he just fucked her where she was. Sam and Mr. Hoover had a grand conversation in the dining room and smoked Apple flavored cigars. Mr. Hoover discovered that Sam had the finest alcohol and cigars and a delectable assortment of food. But Sam did not know where he was or anything of the nature he just knew he enjoyed his time in the place. Shortly after that Timothy the retard jumped onto Mr Hoover and ripped out some of his mane hair. Phil rips the retard off of Mr. Hoover who was now distraught and in pain. So Sam asked if Mr. Hoover would then like to go see the other horses in the stables. Meanwhile Timothy, the tard was fucking up most things. He/she shat themselves and Phil Assbottom had to take care of it. He took her/him out to the bathroom but this did not solve the problem thus Phil resolved it in the only way he knew how, tying her/him up in the basement. After his prayers to his/her deity, The Potatoe, a potatoe appears and falls to the floor. Timothy heard the noises of the sex party going on upstairs, along with a kind of growl coming from the other side of the basement, with his/her tard hearing and broke free of his/her chains with it’s tard strength. Then dashed back up stairs, past the joyous party and even past the gang bang and wandered into a room filled with fog. The door slammed itself shut and a deep, grouchy voice sputtered “er i wanna burrito”. The tard was flabbergasted, and simply replied “urgh burrito?!” Back down in the party Shouji decided to wander about the house looking for demons. Shouji wandered upstairs and went straight to the room with the largest door, the master bedroom. Shouji had never seen such a thing and simply pried it open with his very very large Final Fantasy esc sword. Inside he found nothing but a brown horse tied down with a bowl of water and bucket of carrots. He was familiar with horses so he approached it and stroked it’s mane, then cut the rope tying it down. The horse flipped shit and started to kick and run around like crazy. Shouji simply retreated out of the room. As he left the horse gave him a delicate smile. Shouji made his way to room 1. Inside he saw a goblin jumping up and down practically dancing like a fucking retard so he dismembered it then hit it with the broad side of his sword causing it to explode ALL OVER the room. In the back of the room a gold chest lie but Shouji payed no attention to it. Jack came down from his sex party after entering the master bedroom, seeing the horse then turning around. He finds Mr. Phallusworth and lies about having fun with the horse up in the master bedroom. This outraged Sam, and he screamed at Jack and Mr. Hoover was shocked. So he made his way out to the stables, now smoking 3 cigars, and went to converse with fellow horses. He met one who seemed to know the backstory of this place. It told him that Satan had created this mansion in a parallel universe to ours. It was Satan’s vacation home. Sam Phallusworth had been bored one day so he decided to pray to his lord and savior Satan for a grand place to kill time so Satan brought him to this place. A demon lives in the basement, named Lance and he was a pretty cool guy but kind of a dick. This shocked Mr. Hoover, but what shocked him even more was the horse, Sammy Sammy Poopbutt, who was once Sam’s favorite horse. That ended when one day they were playing polo when Sam fell off of Sammy and then Sammy mounted and raped the shit out of Sam. So now Sam keeps Sammy Sammy Poopbutt tied up in his master bed room where he tortures the fucker all the time. Mr. Hoover was horrified and ran back into the house. Back in the house Tim had tied up Jack and thrown him into the basement. Upstairs in room 4 the tard conversed with the fat nerdy ghost that was wearing a metallica shirt who desired a burrito. The tard didn’t know what a burrito was and simply tried to hug the ghost but it cowered in fear into the corner and cried. Then vanished again. The tard then ran out of the room and into the adjecent wall. Phil had had enough of this fucktard so he knocked him out. Meanwhile Shouji searched around the remaining rooms. In room 3 he found the cum, shit and pissed ridden bed but nothing else. So he moves to the next room where he discovered a Basalisk. He reflects it’s deadly stare then smashes it into dust. He examines the room but finds nothing more. So he decides to search in the most evil place that could possibly exist in the house: the basement. He wanders past the joyous drinking party and wanders down to the basement. He looks around and see’s Jack chained to the wall but just ignores it and pays more attention to the man/horse like figure with burning red eyes in the shadows. He pulls his sword and approaches. The demon takes notice and in a relatively gay black guy voice says “mmm see i wouldn’t be doin that shit if i was you, listen hun, im the son of satan, and I can tell you to put that shit away, i got 400 HP and an AC of 40.” Shocked Shouji does as he is told. He questions the demon and learns what the horse had told Mr. Hoover. Jack doesn’t understand any of this considering the demon is talking to Shouji in Shouji’s native tongue. So Jack questions the demon and discovers his father to be Satan and his name to be Lance. So Jack sells his soul for three wishes and Lance simply turns Jack into a Genie and teleports him to some odd planet called Ratatosk. “hahaha mmm i love doin that shit, see i turned his sexy ass into a Genie, hahaha ahh shits priceless mhm.” Lance said to Shouji. Shouji then inquired what would happen to this place. Lance simply replied “mmm sugar you’ll soon find out and mmm shits not so pretty nigga.” Shouji then left and went outside where he discovered that the moon now had taken a heu of blood red across about half of it and darkness was beginning to encompass the uncreative field. The tard awoke tied up in the bathroom and before even looking to see how he/she was tied up used it’s tard strength to break free and ended up breaking both legs. Then the tard prayed and another potatoe fell. So then he/she observed that he/she was hung up in the bathroom and there was a TV in the mirror playing Sex and The City back to back with infomercials on the occasion. To the right of the tard was a pocket knife dangling down too. So it decided to use it to cut itself free and went free falling down into the toilet face first. Then crawled back to the mansion and went up back to the room with the ghost. Inside he heard “ur i wan burrito” the tard responded “wat burito?!” “Eh it’s like tortilla with like meat n shit, ur i wanna burrito, i used to own this place and all i wan eh burrito!” “i get burito!!?” The tard wandered down to the kitchen where Tim the silent was doing dishes and coincidently eating a burrito. “I WANT DA BRIUTO!” The tard yelled. So Tim shrugged and gave the tard what it wanted. Then the tard brought the burrito to the previous owner ghost. But being a ghost he couldn’t except the burrito so he cried and flew through the floor where he ran into Lance. " LANCE! I WAN ER BURITTO!" so lance granted the fat ghost a burrito who then was pleased and moved onto the afterlife finally. Mr. Hoover, now with six cigars, decided to head upstairs to explore and saw a door that was pried open. He entered the room and said hello. Sammy Sammy Poopbutt flipped out and stood on two legs then flat out punched Mr. Hoover in the face giving him a black eye. “SECURITY!!! PHIILLL PHIIILLLL!!” Phil Assbottom then entered the room, put Sammy into a choke hold then knocked him out. Mr. Hoover thanked Phil as he left. Mr. Hoover looked over towards Sammy and witnessed him shit out a golden key. Mr. Hoover went down to the kitchen grabbed a bottle of ever clear and used it to sterilized the key which then went from a golden hue to a more silver tint. Mr. Hoover then explored another room, room 1. In the room he found blood and guts EVERYWHERE and a goblin hand that held a club on the floor.On one side of the room was a golden chest. He walked through the disgust and used the newly discovered key to open the chest which he found a chest filled with golden fruit which he stored in his satchel. Jack had been turned to a Genie and sent to a distant planet. He tried wishing for immortality, nothing happened. He wished for a 12 inch dick. Nothing happened. Finally he wished for his fucking soul back from Satan. Nothing happend. So he waited til something happened. In a random sparadic spark his lamp landed in a New York antique shop where a young single woman bought it and rubbed it causing him to appear and say “bitch you want 3 wishes?” Scared as fuck she ran and Jack flew out into the city. As quickly as he had appeared the military took notice and sent a squadron to destroy him. One soldier how ever fulfilled the 3 wishes. he wished for a 20 inch penis, Keira Knightly and 3 more wishes, but on his last wish he was simply turned into a Genie and Jack claimed his soul. Then was magically teleported back to the mansion and back to about 15 minutes after making his wish. Lance took notice. “hmm, sugar dats impressive.” “Eh yeah i guess so” Jack relied with a sudden southern accent. Soon Jack took note of a golden chest that lie in the corner. “mmm baby you wanna see what’s in my golden chest? It’s all your hopes n dreams mhm.” So the naive Jack opened the chest and was hit with a blast of horrid stench, he almost passed out but just slammed it shut and began coughing. “HAHAHA see sugar that chest is full of my shit. I ate the treasure and shit it back out, so mmm that’s still the treasure but in a diarrhea form mhm.” While Jack was still recovering Mr. Hoover ran down to the party and hear that Shouji is banging on his sword. Everyone else at the party is drunk.He looks about and notices that the moon is about 7/8ths red and darkness has began consuming the land. Frightened he cowers into the basement. “So you’re lance eh?” “MMHHMMM sugar that i am, you want a wish?” " I’d like to know what’s going to happen?!" “Sugar you’ll learn soon enough mhm, you wanna look in my chest?” “Do it.” said Jack. So Mr. Hoover said why not and took a wiff. He instantly passed out. A loud bang is heard throughout the land. The tard up in the ghosts room gets scared and runs down to the basement. “MMM hun it’s you again, you wanna wish?” “DUR I WAN POTATO!” the tard replied pointing to Jack. So Lance, with a happy grin, turns Jack into a talking Potatoe. But because he is still a nice guy he gives him a magic potatoe peeler that does an outrageous amount of damage. Outside the moon completely becomes engulfed in blood red and darkness consumes the land.“Here comes my cousin mhm, have fun with him hehehe.” Lance uttered those words then vanished. Shouji retreated back to the house and awaited the on coming beast. Jack and the tard come up and join Shouji in his defensive stance, sorta. Darkness devours the entire house. The women scream, then silence. Deadly silence. Followed by a blinding light. Outside the sun is high in the sky and all is calm, birds are even chirping. All the other party members are gone, except Sam. He has a delicious grin on his face. “Hoho, Tamy is giving me quite the delightful blowy under the table mmm, and Jenny is licking her bum infact they all are in a large chain licking each others butts under the table, haha!.” Then in an instant all the glass shatters hurting everyone around and a 30 ft tall, 20 ft wide and 120 foot long half octopus half lion with two big beefy arms on its back broke down the wall. It let out a deafening scream. The tard flipped out and started running around. The beast lifted the table and devoured all the party goers including Sam. The battle began, the tard cowered and Jack accidentally dropped his magical potatoe peeler and it slid across the floor. Shouji jumped onto the beasts back after being fire breathed and he stabbed the beast then used a monk technique to kick it’s ass. All this commotion awoke Mr. Hoover who looked up at the monster and it flipped him off. In fear he ate the golden fruit and turned into Chuck Norris. Then Chuck Norris and Shouji wrecked the beast. In its last attempt to kill them it self destructed annihilating the land. All that was left was darkness, everyone floating in space. Chuck Norris then called upon god and asked “can i go home now” And god replied yes. Then the lonely house wife woke up and said “That was a fucking weird dream.”



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